Tool & Appliance Fails

This will be an ongoing list of what not to do with your kitchen tools. It's dangerous turf because I don't want to squelch ingenuity. So, think of it as an "already been done" list allowing you to stand on the shoulders of idiots so that you will not need to repeat their mistakes.

Stove top clutter

Be afraid of leaving anything that isn't a pan on top of your stove. If you're not afraid, learn to be: put a towel or a term paper dangerously near a burner (don't turn the burner on) and stare at it, have someone sneak up behind you and shake a soda can full of pennies right next to your ear. Repeat this until you automatically break into a sweat when you see such a configuration. If you can condition yourself to automatically remove offending items without even thinking, you can check this fail off your list.

 John Coyne just submitted this photo (below) of a child who put her brother's favorite stuffed animal right next to the burner and made cocoa. 

Kitchen knife as pry bar
I have no idea who tried to open something with the tip of a few of my kitchen knives. It did happen during the time that Julia was living here but I have no evidence to pin the crime on her.

Cooking spoons left in the pan while cooking
I still do this so I will probably be able to provide more photos in the future. Everyone does it, so I hope you will send in your photos. Perhaps if we have a collection of kitchen utensil burn victims large enough, the gory images will be imprinted in our minds and actually cause behavioral change. In hypothesis form: If we are exposed to enough photos of burnt spoons, Then we will no longer burn our spoons.

Grinding cloves in your coffee grinder

Cloves have a chemical in them that turns plastic opaque. Your tedious alternative is to grind cloves up with a mortar and pestle. Nobody will do that. Since this is inevitable I recommend dedicating one of your friend's coffee grinders to spices including cloves. Do you really need to see what you are grinding? Here's a description of the clove effect and an experiment you can do in your spare time with your spare money. http://www.chemistry.sjsu.edu/straus/EXPTG%20htms/EXPTG.htm

Using chopsticks to hold up your hair

From a functional perspective it's a fine idea. From a kitchen perspective it's a bad idea because you lose it. You are seldom in the kitchen when you remove the chopstick - it's on your desk, by your bed, outside, near the shower. That makes for a stunning set of chopstick "singles". I guarantee their mates will never return. Look at the lonely hearts I've left scattered in my wake.

Using chopsticks as Drumsticks

Quin Payne reminded me of this one.

 

Not having enough dangerous and un-hygenic creatures in the kitchen

Some parts of life are unavoidable and in fact, have positive side-effects - like making you tougher, enhancing your sense of humor, building character, etc.  If your life doesn't have enough drama or opportunities to exercise your immune system then this fail is for you. In the center we have a vicious defecating parrot on the actual working counter; barely visible off to the right is Julia's brother Ziggy who is pulling infected splinters from his hand with surgical tweezers. (Detail not shown.) Tris is watching for an unguarded moment when he can use that metal tray to launch his latest rocket project.